I am not sure if any of you have been through this, but I have over the years and continue to. Man is a social animal and conversations are a significant part of our lives. You might talk about current affairs, sports, your favourite TV series or movie, careers, family issues or relationship concerns. While most of your conversations would obviously be in the company of a friend, colleague or relative, there are some which are limited to the confines of your minds.

You wouldn’t usually declare this to anyone around you at that point in time because it might seem irrelevant or just plain crazy. “You need a shrink” is not even the last thing you want them to tell you.

Everybody talks to themselves about something or the other, sometimes in their minds and sometimes, out loud. If you say you don’t, you’re a liar!

(Still in denial? Let me help you change that. Click here)

In my case, the questioning never stops. It’s not that I am fond of disagreeing with widely accepted norms; but my curiosity always gets the better of me. When someone tells me to do a certain thing a certain way just for the heck of it, they can always expect me to counter question, out loud or otherwise.

I have a great fondness with talking to myself. Especially when I travel, this becomes very obvious. I am always looking around and talking to myself about anything and everything I see. It could be anything – hurling abuses at an idiot causing traffic snarls, ‘reviewing’ a hoarding, pitying a dilapidated building or just my views on a tree by the roadside. I don’t make sense half of the time and that’s okay – because I am the only one who’s ‘listening’ which means no one’s going to judge either.

When it comes to social interactions though, I think and analyze everything I am about to say, perhaps to avoid making a fool of myself. But as it often turns out, it doesn’t work – not for me, at least. People often get frustrated by my lack of conversational participation. Those are situations where they would love to know and hear more of me, but I won’t let them for some stupid fear of appearing to be less than a skilled conversationalist.

I have come to discover that going with the flow can feel a lot better and while I might still make a fool of myself, it could be worth the risk.

Awkward silences have haunted me eternally – those are moments when I am trying to collect myself and utter a few words without any erratic pronunciations resulting from the dread of being murdered for uttering something that could only be regarded as immensely nonsensical. (In other words, I take the proof-reading bit too far) My apologies for all the awkwardness if you have experienced any while I struggled to let out a syllable.

I tend to run out of things to say faster than most people would, and that’s not because I speak too fast.

I tend to contemplate if my utterances would really interest the other person. Now, this will not be the case if I am absolutely, undoubtedly, positively sure that you would be – this applies to formal meetings. I can be great at formal meetings, but the informal ones? well..

(You might read this and wonder why I feel the need to be a designer and not an analyst – for all the knack to be analytic of every single thing). 

I also get fascinated by people who can literally talk all day. That must be some talent. Yes, to me, the ability to make small talk is talent.

I’ve tried defining myself as an introvert, only to realize that I wasn’t doing the definition enough justice. Unlike most introverts, I enjoy going out with people and I could spend a lot of time interacting with the lot that has me company so long as we click. But there are times, when I just need to be by myself.

Ambivert might apply, but it’s not something I fancy. I am trying not to give myself a label.

The advent of this blog has been the beginning of an adventure in many ways. A journey of self-discovery, of getting to know myself a lot better along the way while also giving myself something to look forward to each weekend. With each article, I learn to accept myself (quirks included) a wee bit more.

And in a journey of self-discovery and acceptance, if this isn’t success, what is?